Parenting: Optional vs Required |
May 31st, 2019 |
| kids |
Let's say I'm at the park with the kids and I get a notification that dinner is in ten minutes. I'd give them a heads up ("it's going to be dinner in about ten minutes so we'll need to leave soon"), a reminder closer to the time ("two more minutes"), and then tell them it's time to go ("ok, time to go home for dinner now"). I'm telling them about something required, and I describe it in a way that they understand we're going to need to do it. I'm happy to have back and forth with them and explain why it's required if they ask ("David's cooking dinner and we're signed up for dinner tonight") but they do know it's required.
Now let's say we're at the park, and I realize it's about to rain. Since I expect they don't want to get soaked on the way home I'll let them know ("it looks like it's going to rain soon and we might get wet") and maybe offer suggestions ("Should we go home now?") but if they want to stay we'll stay. The worst that happens is we get wet, walk home wet, and go put on dry clothes. At 3y and 5y this is within their abilities to make good decisions about, so I make it clear that this is fully up to them.
Two things that are important to me about these interactions:
The kids know what is required and what is optional.
As much as possible is optional.
I see both moral and pragmatic reasons to approach it like this. Morally, a child is a person and deserves to be treated as an adult except so far as they're not ready for that yet. Pragmatically, children need to learn to operate in a world where they will be making real choices, and should have as much opportunity for practice as possible.
Another example: say we're out and there are puddles which it looks like they might want to play in. If they do this, their shoes will get wet. I could step in and tell them not to, but instead I'd probably say nothing and see what they do. Maybe they'll throw rocks into the puddles. Maybe they'll take their shoes off and go in barefoot. Maybe they'll decide that they don't mind having wet feet and walk in with their shoes and socks on. Maybe they don't realize their feet will get wet, walk in with shoes and socks on, and then learn that their shoes won't keep them dry when submerged. All of these are ok outcomes, and I don't need to intervene to protect them from having to walk home in squelchy shoes.
If we were on our way somewhere else in a hurry, or were far from home and I'd be risking having a grumpy kid for hours, though, I'd jump in to tell them no and give a reason ("if you get your feet wet now they'll be wet for a long time and you won't like that, so I need you to stay out of the puddles").
The main way I try to think about this is, why does this need to be a command? What happens if I give them the information I think they're missing and let them decide?
Comment via: facebook
With Visible Child, I just looked at the site some but there seem to be a lot of posts with no clear "read these first, they explain my main perspective" starting place. Anything you would recommend?
Yep, agree. In theory I believe that we should allow kids to have whatever feelings/emotions they are going to have to the limits we set. Support them in those feelings but still set firm limits. In reality, my humanity sometimes gets the better of me and I respond with frustration and inconsistent responses of my own. It's a work in progress. It helps to have a solid framework.
"where we struggle to respond consistently within this framework is when the kids don't accept the reasons we give them"
When things are required, my kids don't have to accept my reasons but they still have to do the thing. The reasons are to help them understand why we need to do the thing and help them model us better (https://www.jefftk.com/p/how-to-parent-more-predictably).
Yes. And where we struggle to respond consistently within this framework is when the kids don't accept the reasons we give them.
Are you familiar with Robin Einzig's work with Visible Child? Her posts and philosophy are very much in line with what I perceive yours to be.
Kids are really pretty good at understanding that adults don't always have the same rules as each other, so I'm not to worried about all the adults in my kids lives not using the same approaches. I don't know how they handle it, though, since I'm not there!
Curious what happens when others are watching your kids and don't communicate in the same way... Do your kids ask "why do we have to leave in 5 minutes?" Do they go along with it? Something else?
It would never have occurred to me to let my kids play in a puddle and get their shoes and clothes wet! This is what separates people who would make great parents vs people who make fine parents.
Sounds like you have found a way of relating to your children that works great.
Loren hmm, I think that's not how my kids hear it? I think they respond to any statement like this pretty much equivalently, as "Papa is saying I have to do this thing"?
Saying “I need you to” makes the request about the child fulfilling your emotional needs. Saying “you need to” sets up a power struggle. The child can think, “no I don’t!” When I tell a child “it’s time to” I am invoking a higher authority with no skin in the game. It’s totally neutral and clean.
Loren could you say more about why "I need you to X" or "you need to X" is a bad way to phrase "you are required to do X"?
I love this approach, because learning to live with the consequences of your actions is one of most important lessons we can teach. I have one small suggestion, which is to stay away from telling children “I need you to,” or “you need to.” I suggest to my therapy clients that they say “it’s time to,” which is neutral and not about making the parent happy, or in that particular scenario, telling the child “you’ll want to keep your shoes on so your feet stay dry.”
"A child is a person"
If everybody in this planet considered this as much as you, these persons wouldn't have to be striking all around the world these days.
A very appreciative, respectful and very worthy of support mindset towards children.
I aspire to parent like you do. I don't think I have as much patience as you. But I have seen parents with a more authoritarian style getting into power struggles with their kids, and I have seen adults who were never given much practice making their own decisions as kids, and by comparison I think I'm doing okay.
That’s reasonable. You probably have a good sense of the level of complexity they can handle, and this falls within range.
Beth the kids generally know if we're on our way somewhere: I'm saying "let's keep moving or we'll miss the bus" etc and a lot of things are different (generally can't just stop and look at interesting things).
Different levels of me being ok with them getting messy/wet/etc based on circumstances is harder for them to learn, but still not too bad and if they ask me I'll help them. ("It it ok if I go play in the mud?" "Well, if you get too muddy we can easily go home and change, so it's up to you")
“If we were on our way somewhere else in a hurry, or were far from home...” doesn’t this exception reduce predictability? Do you try to let them know the circumstances in advance?
Susanna Ballard, do you do this?
Gila Golder